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To the ‘Warehouse's’ New Facility Manager: Read This

To the new facility manager:

It’s with great sadness that I’ve decided to retire as the facility manager for this bizarre location in upstate New York. People say it’s a warehouse for an old weapon manufacturing company owned by an eccentric billionaire, but after being in the industry for 56 years, I know that’s not true.

The occupants are always changing. Some are human, some may be aliens, some probably robots (or androids, whatever you want to call them). It gets weirder too - you’ll see why. It’s a tough job, but I want you to be successful, so on my way out I jotted down a few tips for you. Use this knowledge however you’d like:

  1. The guy who owns the place keeps a bunch of metal suits locked up in the basement. A few years back, he asked me to use my maintenance software to keep track of all of them - serial numbers, maintenance notes, paint colors and so on. He said something about how there was a potential alien threat and he needed to be prepared, but it’s gotten out of hand. After he got to Mark 85, I stopped recording the suits. He hasn’t noticed.

    web in trees from some sort of giant spider

  2. There seems to be a spider infestation on the property. They must be big suckers, too. There’s a significant amount of webbing in the training area and outside in the trees around the property. I suspect the high schooler who hangs around all the time might have something to do with it, because every time I mention it he acts real nervous. Maybe it’s some kind of pet or science experiment gone wrong, I don’t know. He’s a nice kid, so I just clean up what I can and let it be. I’ve found that a duster doesn’t really work. You’ll need a full-on blowtorch to get rid of them. I added that tidbit to the maintenance notes.

  3. Speaking of insects, there’s a terrible ant problem in the HVAC system. They march around through the vents almost like they’re guarding something. I’ve never seen anything like it, but everyone insists that I shouldn’t call an exterminator because the ants are “just doing their job”. Like I said, these people are odd.

  4. A few of the occupants do a lot of work in the laboratory downstairs. The one with the glasses is very nice, but I’ve heard him say he turns into a different person if he gets angry. As an added precaution, I’ve added extra PM schedules in our maintenance system to make sure fire and life safety equipment is inspected regularly and functioning properly, and I make sure to have the temperature set consistently to 68° Fahrenheit, just to make sure he’s comfortable. After what I’ve seen at this place, I know it’s for the best.

    hole in hangar wall from a giant green man

  5. In the hangar, there’s a hole in the wall the size of a giant man. I’m talking impossibly large - like 15 feet tall. When it appeared, the only other odd thing I noticed was a pile of ripped clothing nearby. The owner submitted a service request asking if I could fix it myself. I responded to his request in our system letting him know I’d need a few extra hands, and he responded back “never mind” and told me to leave it alone.

  6. The facility has a residential quarters. There’s no telling who will be there and when, since everyone’s always busy doing who knows what, but just be aware that the android guy (he’s purple, you can’t miss him) doesn’t sleep. It’s given me quite a few scares over the years when I’m performing late night appliance repairs. You won’t believe how often some of these bigger guys break things.

  7. A talking raccoon comes to hang out sometimes. I’m not kidding. He’s a bit rude, but he enjoys a good chat and a mixed drink. The talking tree is much more friendly. I’ve stopped questioning things at this point.

  8. Every once in a while, the really buff blond guy shows up. You’ll know him when you see him. He’s very brash and speaks like he’s straight out of a Shakespearian play. He also carries around a large hammer. Once while I was mopping the training space I picked it up to move it out of my way, and every person in the entire building turned and gawked at me. I have no idea why. They all seemed to treat me with more respect after that, too.

Anyway. You’re gonna do great, kid. Just remember to stay on your toes.

Excelsior!

 

Avengers: Endgame is in theaters on Friday, April 26, 2019. Purchase tickets on Fandango.com.

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